That moment when or I smile a lot.....

I smile a lot. I smile at everyone. I smile because it may be the only happy point a person has in their day. I smile so that for that one moment. For that one moment I want the other person feel a tiny bit of happiness. It doesn't take much, 2 seconds. Who knows what their day or life is like at the moment? So I smile.

It takes a lot to make me not smile at you. I used to tell everyone that it was important to always stay positive and rarely did I let my negative side out. I really didn't have a negative side. Was this healthy? Who knows? Who cares. I convinced myself that I was happy, so therefore I was. I read a lot. Texted my friends a lot. And I was content. I had a friend once in a conversation we had say that looking for the good and believing in people was fine as long as you didn't mind always being disappointed. My reply was that you put out what you get. But lately I've been thinking that his version was more correct than mine.

I have these walls. I know that they're there. I built them, so how could I not know? It takes a lot to breach them, so if I let you, then you're lucky. But this is on a friend standpoint I don't even want to try an psycho analyze myself from a dating standpoint, because yeah.... we'll leave it at that. So anyway I think I set myself up. I'm too nice. When I say that I don't mean I let people take advantage of me, but I mean that when it comes to my friends I have a very soft heart. If they are in need and I'm able to give. I do. Simple as that. No questions. You need it? I give if I'm able. I don't do this for gratification or even thanks, I expect neither. I do it because I care and if I have the ability to lessen your burden for a bit, then I do. But like I said I set myself up. Call me a drama queen, because fuck me if the advise from before wasn't right. I don't like feeling disappointed when someone takes me for granted or ignores me to simply assume that I'll be there when they finally decide they have the time for me. I friendly hello even days to weeks apart lets me know that I'm important to you and that our friendship is important. Needy? Maybe. But I don't care. When you blow me off for whatever reason, it hurts. Then I get sad. Then I think being nice sucks. Then I think dammit I'm an fn moron, why do I put myself out there? 

Now I have friends where that's just how our relationships work. There are a few where I don't hear from for months, but I know that's how our friendship is, so I don't mind. I'm secure in the fact that I could pick up the phone or text and say "I need to talk" and they would call me no questions asked and simply be there.

So I guess the point is yes I smile a lot. But that no longer means I'm happy. It just means I want you to think that I am. I hide a lot. I cry a lot. I think a lot. I get lonely a lot. And sometimes..... just sometimes I think I was better off just hiding in my whole little world I created for myself. Reading book after book doesn't make me weak or unable to face reality, it simply means that with all I see, all I hear, all the problems I face and watch my friends face, it's easier to say fuck this and lose myself in somewhere a happily ever after is guaranteed. (but it's a double edged sword, and I'll get to that in another post.)

Or I want to run smack dab to the opposite and be a raging bitch. It's not like I don't know how to be one. I'm a very good one. But the thing about being a bitch is, at the end of the day, even with the friends you have, you feel crappy. It's hard living life with an attitude, because it's easy to take it to the extreme and simply push people away. Then I think ....isn't that what I want? So maybe I am a little bitchier than I used to be, but when people beat the nice out of you, some times it's the only thing left to give. You save the loving part...the sweet part....the nice part to give to those who already know you.

Maybe it's just me being a drama queen, but right now my feelings are hurt and I could give a flying fig less. BUT tomorrow I'll wake up and smile a lot......

Because on the inside, rattling around in my head will be that moment when you realize that you care about the other person's feelings, life and friendship but that person could give a fuck less.

Catching up Book Reviews

Oh lookie here, I’m back. So in honor of the new month I have decided to do a review a day, maybe two. Yes I have read that many books lately (If I had to guess around 60 or so), and now I have several weeks until my next college class, so free time. FINALLY. This means I will be catching up on a ton of stuff. 

Anyway I want to lay some ground rules. The first is that I have read either not well known authors or indie authors. Second I refuse to pay some of the exorbitant prices that some indie authors have deemed their work is worth. ( I will be writing about this soon.) The limit is $0.99 for 70-200 pgs and $3.99+ for books above that page count. There are several stories out there that I have seen where there are 20 pages and the author is charging $4.99 and up. This I deem ridiculous. Third I will link you to book on Amazon, but know they may be available on smash-words and other places as well. Forth and last I have paid for EVERY book I review. They were not given to me, but purchased, although some may have been free at the time of purchase and now have a price. 

With that being said I will also say that I will not be reviewing popular books unless requested to do so. Even if I have read them, so many reviews have been done about them I don’t think that it’s a necessary thing. This would include 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, Bared to You, Larissa Ione’s newest ones, etc. Also I have shifted my genre of interest as I tend to do. The books are mostly NOT supernatural or paranormal romance books, but all of them will have H/h and yummy Alphas and a few that don’t. 

Well look forward to the first post.

If you loved Evanescence's first album(and their sound) YOU MUST listen to Noctura!!

Personally I love that they still have that sound I found I fell in love with.... fast/heavy guitar and drums with a haunting overtone ... simply gorgeous!
Don't say that they're the same though, everyone is different and comparing them would be a mistake. No they aren't copying, but simply have a style and sound that is similar. I like that.

What can I say? Who reads this anyway?

Well I planned a big blog rant like what? A month ago? yeah ummm -- no go. I got caught up with Fifty Shades Trilogy and moved on from there. Didn't turn on the TV except for the True Blood premiere. (yummy Eric yummy) I haven't turned on my computer except for necessity in the last 3 weeks (and wouldn't have at all if not for school.) as I was too caught up in the written word. That's right I read like 18 books... What? I'm an addict, I get engrossed and lose track of everything. Some were good -- others were better. Some were racy, some where touching and some were classics I've read a hundred times.

If you care rundown of favorites:
Fifty Shades Trilogy -- Grey, Darker and Freed (I think that a 4th book was needed for the gap between the end of 3 and the epi --- we all know Elena didn't let that go that easily. SRSLY-- yeah I'm fanficing it hahahaha)
Gabriel's Inferno (lots of quotes from The Divine Comedy)/Gabriel's Rapture
Please Sir, I'm Yours (pretty vanilla -- fifty shades was racier IMO. But it's a sweet story about the trust that must happen.Out of all the main male leads this one is my favorite, but add some Christian and he's perfect.)
Love Unscripted (Racy, but gave me a whole new insight on what it may be like to be a super popular celeb ::SHUDDER::)
Wicked Burn (Read next to a bucket of ice for your safety)
Bared to you (same warning -- can't wait for the sequel even if there was some plot issues)
Beautiful Disaster (very sweet -- I cried)
Gateway to Heaven (Same very sweet story)
Jane Eyre (it's one of my favorites --- I ALWAYS cry)

AND
Six others that ranged from okay to smeh.

Will I review these? Maybe the ones that I think didn't get enough hype like Bared to you, Love Unscripted, Please Sir and Gabriel. But we'll have to see. But all books but Jane Eyre, listed are def a 18+ category.

Well I have to write a paper... so until next time. ^_^ Remember to smile at least one person,  you may be the only kindness that they have that day. Smile at the rest because it confuses them.

It's been awhile ne? Well all I can say is that I've been busy. Graduated with one degree to move on to try and receive another. Almost there, end is in sight and picked a minor that fits me. (That and I'm not sure who really reads this anyway LOLOL.)

Anyway. After vegging tonight after non-vegging I started to think that we all have movies we watch simply because they are feel good movies. Much like comfort food, we just watch them because they calm us, lead us to cheer on the underdog and/or hero and make us smile at the end. For me there are two movies that encompass this feeling. I'll post them below. I have probably watched both more than 10 times a piece and always watch them when they are playing on tv.

The first one is Secretariat - I love this movie. Really a story about a woman and her horse. Everyone looks down on her, repeatedly telling her she is a female in a male only world. She beats against the standards and ends up with a horse that is considered the underdog. But if anyone believes in this horse and what he's capable of is his owner and his team. He has been known as the "Horse that God created" and the "greatest race horse of all time" He represents the hero in all of us and the courage to push past his limits and create new ones. Watch it. I hope it inspires you.



The second is another true story called The Blind Side - Story of redemption, family and not letting circumstances define you. The story and the characters are inspiring. From being able to find what you were meant to do in life, to the giving of love that demands nothing in return. I simply love this movie.

Just a quick...

I"m gonna post post tomorrow... about the Saesang fan controversy and my thoughts on why I can't believe that people are justifying violence against ANYONE.

Voyeurism into the Kpop(well this time JRock) fandom - Choose Your Own Adventure

Ok NOT really... It's my adventure. This actually happened in July 2009. I'm moving it here because I'm about to delete the place where it's posted.

*Picture NOT included*

So I was sitting with my friends waiting for the room to be ready, and we were of course gambling. I was outta of credits, and decided to spend more so I needed to break a $20 so I asked them to watch my purse while I went to the bill breaker. I walk over with my 20 and insert it, as I wait for it I glance to the side. I notice someone there that looks really familiar.
Me- glance over think to myself hmmmmmm... no way Look back at the changed machine. *glance again and heart starts to pound* Could it really be? Certainly looks like him!
By this time he has noticed me looking back and forth like a confused person. LOL He looks straight at me and smiles.
Me- "Ju...Ju-Ken?"
Ju-Ken - "Yes." nods yes
Me- *0 to fangirl mode in less than 1 second* "OMG can I have your autograph?"
Ju-Ken - Smiles but seems a little surprised someone recognizes him..."Sure ... Sure"
Me - "Ok thank you so much... just a second" *thinks to myself OMG OMG OMG*
I run back to where I was sitting, snatch up my friend who wasn't nearly as excited (but that was probably a good thing LOL) as my crazy ass, telling her to follow me. This whole time I'm rummaging through my purse.... *thinks Where the hell is that pen, and oh crap no paper!!! I took the pens out cuz of security on the plane and cleaned out my purse for the trip. DAMMIT!!! >.<* But thank god for my crazy thought process... what do drunk people do when they want someone's phone number? Why they go to the bar, grab a napkin and ask the bartender for a pen. And that's exactly what I did. I pray that the bartender won't tell me no cuz I would just die, and he's really nice and lets me borrow the pen... THANK HEAVEN!!! I rush back to Ju-Ken.
Me - Thrusting the napkin and pen at him, and don't notice there is nothing for him to write on... He takes it trying to figure out where to place it to write.. embarrassed I say "Oops sorry" as I place my hands out for him to use a table. (yeah I was incoherent like that :P)
Ju-Ken - just sits and smiles and politely fills out my autograph...
Me- "We came all the way from Colorado to see your concert. We're so excited!!"
Ju-Ken- fills out my friends autograph
Random guy behind Ju-Ken - "You're having a concert here tonight? Where?"
Ju-Ken turns to answer him.. and I hear myself blurt "At the Wasted Space" Huge smile on my face that turns into a blush because seriously WTF am I answering for?! *face/palm stupid stupid*
Random Guy- "Oh really well then take this, I won't use it." Hands me two line passes. Yep that's right straight to the front of the line passes. YAY random guy!! :)
Me - "Thank you! Are you sure?"
Random Guy - "yeah, go ahead. Have fun!" I thank him and take the tickets.
By then Ju-Ken is done.
Me - "Thank you so much! I can't wait for the concert! Good luck."
Ju-Ken - smiles "Thank you"
I walk back to my seat and my other friends are seriously giggling at me because my grin is HUGE. I try to calm down for a minute and then I suddenly say " I want a picture... Cat come take a picture." Abby looks at me like I'm crazy and refuses to go and ask for a picture. I look at her like she's crazy when is this chance ever going to happen again?! I drag Cat with me to take the picture.
Of course he's doing his thing, and I stop in front of him. He glances up and smiles again.
I place my hands in front of me in prayer pose... "Can I please, please, please take a picture with you?"
Ju-Ken - smiles "Picture? Sure.... sure'
Me - huge smile "thank you so much!"
We take the picture...
Me - "Thank you again." Bow in appreciation and he bows back. Then he shakes my hand
Me - "It was so nice meeting you.. Good Luck at the concert!"
All smiles I walk away. I sit with my friends who are laughing at me, and I know he can hear them. My friend Amy asks "So how was that?" Me - "Amazing!" He's still doing his own thing when we walk away... I don't bother him again, because it was his own time and I feel like I really intruded enough as it was. I didn't tell anyone else that I saw him either. Like I said I felt like it was his private time. He looked at me as we passed each other in the hall in front of the pool, but I didn't fangirl again lol. I was proud I didn't speak all loud because I didn't think he would understand me (if you know me, you know I do it when I'm really nervous)There is more that happened at the concert, but that's another story! :).