That moment when or I smile a lot.....

I smile a lot. I smile at everyone. I smile because it may be the only happy point a person has in their day. I smile so that for that one moment. For that one moment I want the other person feel a tiny bit of happiness. It doesn't take much, 2 seconds. Who knows what their day or life is like at the moment? So I smile.

It takes a lot to make me not smile at you. I used to tell everyone that it was important to always stay positive and rarely did I let my negative side out. I really didn't have a negative side. Was this healthy? Who knows? Who cares. I convinced myself that I was happy, so therefore I was. I read a lot. Texted my friends a lot. And I was content. I had a friend once in a conversation we had say that looking for the good and believing in people was fine as long as you didn't mind always being disappointed. My reply was that you put out what you get. But lately I've been thinking that his version was more correct than mine.

I have these walls. I know that they're there. I built them, so how could I not know? It takes a lot to breach them, so if I let you, then you're lucky. But this is on a friend standpoint I don't even want to try an psycho analyze myself from a dating standpoint, because yeah.... we'll leave it at that. So anyway I think I set myself up. I'm too nice. When I say that I don't mean I let people take advantage of me, but I mean that when it comes to my friends I have a very soft heart. If they are in need and I'm able to give. I do. Simple as that. No questions. You need it? I give if I'm able. I don't do this for gratification or even thanks, I expect neither. I do it because I care and if I have the ability to lessen your burden for a bit, then I do. But like I said I set myself up. Call me a drama queen, because fuck me if the advise from before wasn't right. I don't like feeling disappointed when someone takes me for granted or ignores me to simply assume that I'll be there when they finally decide they have the time for me. I friendly hello even days to weeks apart lets me know that I'm important to you and that our friendship is important. Needy? Maybe. But I don't care. When you blow me off for whatever reason, it hurts. Then I get sad. Then I think being nice sucks. Then I think dammit I'm an fn moron, why do I put myself out there? 

Now I have friends where that's just how our relationships work. There are a few where I don't hear from for months, but I know that's how our friendship is, so I don't mind. I'm secure in the fact that I could pick up the phone or text and say "I need to talk" and they would call me no questions asked and simply be there.

So I guess the point is yes I smile a lot. But that no longer means I'm happy. It just means I want you to think that I am. I hide a lot. I cry a lot. I think a lot. I get lonely a lot. And sometimes..... just sometimes I think I was better off just hiding in my whole little world I created for myself. Reading book after book doesn't make me weak or unable to face reality, it simply means that with all I see, all I hear, all the problems I face and watch my friends face, it's easier to say fuck this and lose myself in somewhere a happily ever after is guaranteed. (but it's a double edged sword, and I'll get to that in another post.)

Or I want to run smack dab to the opposite and be a raging bitch. It's not like I don't know how to be one. I'm a very good one. But the thing about being a bitch is, at the end of the day, even with the friends you have, you feel crappy. It's hard living life with an attitude, because it's easy to take it to the extreme and simply push people away. Then I think ....isn't that what I want? So maybe I am a little bitchier than I used to be, but when people beat the nice out of you, some times it's the only thing left to give. You save the loving part...the sweet part....the nice part to give to those who already know you.

Maybe it's just me being a drama queen, but right now my feelings are hurt and I could give a flying fig less. BUT tomorrow I'll wake up and smile a lot......

Because on the inside, rattling around in my head will be that moment when you realize that you care about the other person's feelings, life and friendship but that person could give a fuck less.

This is how I feel .... Well sorta

So the time is upon me again to go back to school this time for my Bachelor's Degree. Could be worse I could be my bestie going after her P.H.D. She's so BAMF. But anyway, this means no reading time (well hardly) as they are all accelerated classes. Which mean they are only 5 weeks long a piece. So SMOOSHED.

Any way this video is dedicated to all people who are having back to school blues.... Hopefully this will make you SMILE (^_^) XOXOXXO LOVE TO YOU ALL ♥

Soulmates...

So lately I've been thinking about soulmates. (I blame the drivel of romance novels I've been reading lately making my mind mush.) The question who really believes in soulmates? Do you believe that a soul will cry out for it's other half regardless of time, space and cultural barriers that may arise? Is it something that would overcome everything just to be with the other person? Could you look at a picture, hear a voice, revel in a laugh and know "oh yes there you are, I've been looking for you"? Everyone always says that finding your soulmate is rare, and I truly believe that it is. But the question is what if you recognize the other person but they have no idea who you are? I'm not meaning like in a stalker I'll do anything to be with you sort of way,but in a how do I get there sort of way. Will their soul recognize yours and does that guarantee love or simply a great friendship or hopefully both? I don't know, I thought I knew at one time, but lately I'm not sure. Maybe somethings are left better unsaid and untried. Who knows? All I know is I believe in soulmates, I just have to look at my best friend and her husband to know it's true. Which means that there is someone out there for all of us, but the matter of finding and obtaining them can be scary, frustrating, hard, endless and sometimes discouragning. But we all push forward hoping to find the other someone, or hope that they find us too. But the belief pushes us forward with a smile hoping that we end up where we want to be. Just some thoughts I've been having. So for all of you that are searching like me, FIGHTING, JAIYO, HWAITING, GANBARE in other words in all languages GOOD LUCK. My thoughts and love are with you. Don't give up. Everyone deserves to be loved, EVERYONE.

Richard Bach describes soul mates: "A soulmate is someone who has the locks to fit our keys, and the keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we; we can be loved for who we are and for who we're pretending to be. Each of us unveils the best part of one another. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person were safe in our paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. "

Or as Plato said: "Each of us when separated, having one side only... is but indenture of a man, and he is always looking for his other half." Plato from the Symposium

Women of Bushido...What does that mean?

"Bushido's code praised women "who emanicipated themselves from the fraility of their sex and displayed heroic fortitude worthy of the strongest and bravest of men." The ideal parallels the American Frontier or Pioneer woman more so than it does contemporary women's lib.

Under Bushido, girls learned to repress their feelings, to harden their nerves and to excel in weaponry. This was usually the nagi-nata (long handled sword). The Bushido woman had no overlord, so she learned to defend herself. The women following the Bushidio Code, carried kai-ken (long-bladed posket daggers). They carried these in their bosoms for defense or if need be to commit seppuka. It was a tradition that their greatest domestic quality was the education of their sons. (this was mostly as this a male dominated philosophy and so loss of feminine traits were praised, but women generally aren't expected to do this, they are the domestic,peaceful half.)

To smooth the angularity of movement the women learned dancing. Music was essential as an art to regale weary hours of husbands and fathers. Music, dance and poetry were only to purify the heart. Under Bushido the woman surrendered herself to the good of homes and family in much the way the man accomplished self-surrender to the lord or country. Self-renunciation operated as a key note of the loyalty of man and domesticity in a woman. But there was NEVER any sense of slavish surrender.


...Under Bushido,woman was not regarded as man's equal. But men were not equal among themselves as demonstrated in courts of law, polling places and the like. On the battlefield a woman was expected to contribute little, at home everything.

For the woman in the Bushido ethic, life was focused on the home as the center of the universe. The man focused his life on the service to his lord and his Emperor. "
Via current book obsession

**What does this mean? Quite simply my job is to take care of the heart, home and dreams of partner. My home and family's happiness is that which above my own. This is how I choose to live if I could find the right man who is worthy. This is an old fashioned philosophy, but that is ok for me, and most women feel that it is wrong. But I believe in letting a man be a man, but he must be a worthy man. He has to have worthy traits. I have no problem walking behind a man in public, and beside him in private. Shake your head at me if you must, but you don't have to agree as I see this as a wonderful thing I am able to give. While may scoff and think that I'm selling myself short, let me just say it takes a certain character and ability to accomplish this. It sounds like the easiest, but it can actually be the hardest.