Tuesday, March 5, 2013

That moment when or I smile a lot.....

I smile a lot. I smile at everyone. I smile because it may be the only happy point a person has in their day. I smile so that for that one moment. For that one moment I want the other person feel a tiny bit of happiness. It doesn't take much, 2 seconds. Who knows what their day or life is like at the moment? So I smile.

It takes a lot to make me not smile at you. I used to tell everyone that it was important to always stay positive and rarely did I let my negative side out. I really didn't have a negative side. Was this healthy? Who knows? Who cares. I convinced myself that I was happy, so therefore I was. I read a lot. Texted my friends a lot. And I was content. I had a friend once in a conversation we had say that looking for the good and believing in people was fine as long as you didn't mind always being disappointed. My reply was that you put out what you get. But lately I've been thinking that his version was more correct than mine.

I have these walls. I know that they're there. I built them, so how could I not know? It takes a lot to breach them, so if I let you, then you're lucky. But this is on a friend standpoint I don't even want to try an psycho analyze myself from a dating standpoint, because yeah.... we'll leave it at that. So anyway I think I set myself up. I'm too nice. When I say that I don't mean I let people take advantage of me, but I mean that when it comes to my friends I have a very soft heart. If they are in need and I'm able to give. I do. Simple as that. No questions. You need it? I give if I'm able. I don't do this for gratification or even thanks, I expect neither. I do it because I care and if I have the ability to lessen your burden for a bit, then I do. But like I said I set myself up. Call me a drama queen, because fuck me if the advise from before wasn't right. I don't like feeling disappointed when someone takes me for granted or ignores me to simply assume that I'll be there when they finally decide they have the time for me. I friendly hello even days to weeks apart lets me know that I'm important to you and that our friendship is important. Needy? Maybe. But I don't care. When you blow me off for whatever reason, it hurts. Then I get sad. Then I think being nice sucks. Then I think dammit I'm an fn moron, why do I put myself out there? 

Now I have friends where that's just how our relationships work. There are a few where I don't hear from for months, but I know that's how our friendship is, so I don't mind. I'm secure in the fact that I could pick up the phone or text and say "I need to talk" and they would call me no questions asked and simply be there.

So I guess the point is yes I smile a lot. But that no longer means I'm happy. It just means I want you to think that I am. I hide a lot. I cry a lot. I think a lot. I get lonely a lot. And sometimes..... just sometimes I think I was better off just hiding in my whole little world I created for myself. Reading book after book doesn't make me weak or unable to face reality, it simply means that with all I see, all I hear, all the problems I face and watch my friends face, it's easier to say fuck this and lose myself in somewhere a happily ever after is guaranteed. (but it's a double edged sword, and I'll get to that in another post.)

Or I want to run smack dab to the opposite and be a raging bitch. It's not like I don't know how to be one. I'm a very good one. But the thing about being a bitch is, at the end of the day, even with the friends you have, you feel crappy. It's hard living life with an attitude, because it's easy to take it to the extreme and simply push people away. Then I think ....isn't that what I want? So maybe I am a little bitchier than I used to be, but when people beat the nice out of you, some times it's the only thing left to give. You save the loving part...the sweet part....the nice part to give to those who already know you.

Maybe it's just me being a drama queen, but right now my feelings are hurt and I could give a flying fig less. BUT tomorrow I'll wake up and smile a lot......

Because on the inside, rattling around in my head will be that moment when you realize that you care about the other person's feelings, life and friendship but that person could give a fuck less.


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